The Times They Are a-Changin’
It has been a week of change. Last weekend, I packed up my last box and moved back in with my parents. I also handed in my laptop and said goodbye to my colleagues for the last time. It is done.
Happy panic mode
Happy that it is done and blind panic, those are about the two feelings I have right now. The move felt like a marathon. I started way early during the holidays to make sure everything got done on time and that it wasn’t too much all at once. The result was that I was in “moving mode” for a very long time. But now it is done, and my sore muscles are happy about it. I don’t know how many boxes I carried up and down the stairs and on that wobbly attic ladder, but it was definitely too much.
On the other side, there’s blind panic. Because I am back in my parent’s house, a place I swore I would never move back in again after I could stand on my own two feet. While I had a happy childhood, my teenage years were not so easy. It scares me how easy it is to fall back into old habits. Yes, we are older and wiser now, but there is some kind of muscle memory to it. The brain is a muscle, after all, and it feels like I’ve been transported back to 17-year-old Joyce, full of insecurities and anger at the world.
I’m still angry at the world, I probably always will be, but I got a lot better at managing it. My insecurities were gone, so I just have to remind myself that I am my own person now and that I have grown since then. Basically, moving back in with your parents can be a mind-fuck, but we made good arrangements for both of us so we wouldn’t end up with World War III. Now I just have to convince my brain I am not 17-year-old Joyce anymore.
Escaping the Rat Race
Not only did I move back in with my parents this week; it was also my last day at work. I’d notified my employer about my plans a while back, so I had time to prepare for my exit and everybody got the chance to say goodbye if they wanted to.
I am very grateful to my colleagues. They gave me the best possible send-off, and I will remember them fondly. It is because of them that I closed the door behind me with a smile. You know who you are, take the compliment.
I was surprised at how difficult those last few months were, though. I taught, after I told everybody that I was leaving, I’d get some sense of relief, that now I could start counting down. But it wasn’t like that at all. I felt more stress than ever to finish all my projects, and instead of being a valued employee they could count on, I had now turned into a liability that should be removed from the company as soon as possible. It rather disappointed me in the way upper management handled this, but I guess that is the way of big business.
People often talk about “escaping the rat race”, but not a lot of us actually do it. I believe that is because it is one of the scariest things a person can do. We are so used to the comfort of our golden cages, it becomes very difficult to let go of that comfort and take a deep dive into the unknown. So when we talk longingly about escaping the rat race, we usually end that conversation saying that it will be too difficult, that it is only for rich people, or persons who want to significantly downgrade their way of living.
I am here to tell you that is not true. It is not difficult to escape the rat race at all, but it is terrifying. If you truly want this, put on your big girl pants and gather your courage, because you can do it too. It might take some time figuring out how, and I will tell you all about how I did it later on in some posts, but I can promise you it is definitely achievable for those of us who are willing to throw away that golden cage. (Or unlock it at least, you don’t have to throw it away.)
I am only now realizing that I truly did it, and I can’t help the smile that comes to my face when I write this.
One step forwards or two steps back?
The heart and the mind can be of two ways. Am I moving forward or taking two steps back with this? My rational mind knows this was a necessary step to achieve my digital nomad dream. My not-so-rational mind thinks this is a step backward and now I’m back with my parents with no financial security and nowhere to go with my life. So which one is it?
I say it is neither. Why do we measure life in a linear way? Must we always go forwards? What is wrong with staying still? Or rather, why is it so important to have a timeline or life goals in the first place? I much prefer to not be weighed down by my own and society’s expectations on what I should be doing/having by now.
Yes, it’s good to have hopes and dreams, but if you only focus on achieving those things, you forget to live in the meantime. You know what they say: life is what happens when you are too busy planning. It used to calm me to know I had a right-away-plan, 1-year-plan, and 5-year-plan. Except, almost nothing of those plans worked out in the end.
Now I care little about planning. If there is something I want to do, I will do it. Just like with what I’m doing right now. I want to travel the world, discover new cultures, meet new people, and find a purpose. Maybe it will work, maybe it won’t. I am perfectly fine with either of those outcomes, and I will take on whatever comes my way.
My one piece of advice?
